Hi all. No real news to report, except apparently I am shrinking. Several years ago, when my mom passed away from an abdominal aneurysm it became important to me to start preserving my health so that when I was in my 70s I would still be active and in good health. My mom's health had deteriorated due to a lifetime of smoking and subsequent heart issues and emphysema. Couple that with small veins due to her petite size and the surgical procedures available to treat her aneurysm weren't an option for her. That broke my heart but also galvanized me to not land in the same boat. So I joined a gym along with Bruce and started working out. I cut down soda to one a day as my '06 New Year's resolution and started drinking more water. Those two things alone and I lost a clothing size within a few months. Very cool.
Jump ahead to 2008, when cancer made it's first appearance in my life. Once I was done with treatment, I made more lifestyle changes related to preventing the cancer from coming back. I ate only whole grains (well mostly), increased my fruits and veggies to 7-10 servings a day, avoided processed food, and took up running. Lo and behold another clothing size melted away and stayed away. Very very cool.
So now here we are in 2012, with cancer showing it's face again, and I've lost another 10-12 pounds. The extra "baby-15" I've been toting around is finally gone! And it seems to be staying off. Which is good since my "babies" are 17 and 21! Some of it was surgically removed so I have to acknowledge that, but I didn't have much going on there to begin with so it couldn't have been more than 2-3 pounds. But now, by doing the same as above with a renewed fervor AND eliminating most sugar from my diet (no candy, cakes, brownies, cookies, etc) I am weighing in at 126 or so, which I don't think I've weighed that since middle school! I am buying shorts in a size 4 as my current shorts wardrobe is mostly too big. I have never been a size 4...think I skipped right over that from being a "Lemon Frog" (ha ha does anyone remember that??) in middle school to a size 9/11 in high school. Granted they have adjusted the sizes over the years so what was a size 11 is more like a 9 now and so on.....but still.....I am shrinking!
Over the last few years, I think I have lost just under 25 pounds which is pretty cool. Except now health care workers comment on how "little" I am. In the hospital, the nurse decided my gown was too big and went and got me a child's gown! Which, I must admit, mostly fit except I couldn't close it in the back! Yesterday, the massage therapist commented "You are so little on the table." I know these are compliments, it's just weird being told you are little when you don't feel little! While I am very happy with the weight loss, I don't really want to lose anymore, and I'd be happy to settle in at 125-130 which would be a very healthy weight for my height. It's also not a diet I'd recommend: the death of a parent/cancer/chemo/cancer again/chemo again/surgery/radiation/no sugar diet. Don't really see a book deal or an appearance on Dr. Oz coming out of that one!
PS...does anyone have a cookie? Oh dang...that's right...no cookies for me, for now at least ;)
Friday, June 29, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Crazy but good news...I think?
I've been in radiation for a a little more than a week now and it's going well. The spot on my spine will be done on Friday, then just 6 more weeks for the chest area. I go every day, but on Mondays I get to see the doctor. So yesterday I thought I would ask him about my liver since we've got this phase of treatment off and running. When I asked him, first he said, "Well I don't think those little spheres are going to work for you" meaning the one option with the radioactive beads and so I asked him why. He said he showed my scan to the liver cancer specialist (although it's not technically liver cancer, it's breast cancer in my liver) and he said there was really nothing to treat. What? Slam on the brakes here a minute mister....NOTHING TO TREAT????? My look of astonishment prompted him to go on and he said when the liver guy looked at it, there really wasn't anything to see. I gathered my composure enough to say "But the oncologist said there was really very little change to my liver, and then he amended that and said two spots were gone but there was still a little pocket of weirdness in there but no actual structures." (Okay so my doctor didn't call it a pocket of weirdness but that's how I like to think of it). The radiation guy said no, there's been change and the liver guy says we just need to watch it and if it comes back, we'll treat it then. They'll scan me again near or at the end of radiation and see if anything is going on and if there is, they'll address it then but for right now, there is nothing to treat in my liver. Now I suspect that doesn't mean there's nothing in my liver. I don't think they can say that, but there is nothing of enough significance or substance to treat at this time.
As awesome as this sounds, I am having a hard time believing and embracing this news. This is the same scan I had done pre-surgery, back in early May. On May 10th, the oncologist made it sound like the liver hadn't improved, and there might not be anything we can do but "manage" it the best we can to keep it at bay for as long as we can. That was a downer meeting for sure. On May 11 is when I dived further into alternatives and began mediating, taking supplements, tweaking my diet even more by cutting out sugar, alcohol, and white bread/flour, and really working on my attitude, thinking, and faith. Then, on May 20, same oncologist, same scan....there were suddenly changes and options. Actually, two spots were gone and the last spot wasn't a structure anymore but still some sort of activity but we could zap it right out. This was a happy meeting. Then last week with the radiation guy there wasn't just one option for treatment for my liver but three! Yay! And now the liver guy (who I haven't actually met) says there's nothing to treat. CRAZY...it's all the same freakin' scan from May 7th! So it reminds me of a variation on the classic joke....How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb? In my case four, except by the 4th doc the bulb doesn't need changing anymore!
I see my oncologist again next week on the 21st, and I am thinking about meeting with the liver guy face-to-face and see what he has to say directly. Or, I can just enjoy the news, wait for my new scan later this summer, and then make the rounds of specialists if needed.
I think this gives strong credence to the belief that God works in mysterious ways!
As awesome as this sounds, I am having a hard time believing and embracing this news. This is the same scan I had done pre-surgery, back in early May. On May 10th, the oncologist made it sound like the liver hadn't improved, and there might not be anything we can do but "manage" it the best we can to keep it at bay for as long as we can. That was a downer meeting for sure. On May 11 is when I dived further into alternatives and began mediating, taking supplements, tweaking my diet even more by cutting out sugar, alcohol, and white bread/flour, and really working on my attitude, thinking, and faith. Then, on May 20, same oncologist, same scan....there were suddenly changes and options. Actually, two spots were gone and the last spot wasn't a structure anymore but still some sort of activity but we could zap it right out. This was a happy meeting. Then last week with the radiation guy there wasn't just one option for treatment for my liver but three! Yay! And now the liver guy (who I haven't actually met) says there's nothing to treat. CRAZY...it's all the same freakin' scan from May 7th! So it reminds me of a variation on the classic joke....How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb? In my case four, except by the 4th doc the bulb doesn't need changing anymore!
I see my oncologist again next week on the 21st, and I am thinking about meeting with the liver guy face-to-face and see what he has to say directly. Or, I can just enjoy the news, wait for my new scan later this summer, and then make the rounds of specialists if needed.
I think this gives strong credence to the belief that God works in mysterious ways!
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Music to my ears....
Did you hear that? It was me exhaling a HUGE sigh of relief. Whew.......
Last week when I saw the rads doc for the consultation, I filled out new paperwork yet again. Angina? No. Diabetes? No. High Blood Pressure? No. And so the list goes on. No, no, no, just this f'ing cancer. I get to the neuro section and I did check dizziness because post-surgery I was having some dizziness and figured I better mark it. By the second week it had already improved but being the good, honest patient that I am, I checked it. Of course all my life I've gotten dizzy sometimes when I get up too fast...runs in my family, but this was that, plus a little more. Two new meds and not eating probably played a role also.
Anyway, the rads doc saw that and it sent up a red flag for him. Since I was having some dizziness, and the cancer managed to spread to my spine while I was on chemo, he wanted a brain scan. What???? He reassured me he didn't think anything was going on, but we needed to check to just make sure all was well. The PET scan only shows eyes to knees. Well my history with scans these last few months has totally sucked so I was not at all excited about a friggin' brain scan. But he consulted with my oncologist and he agreed I should get one done. So they scheduled it for the following Tuesday, which was yesterday. Only Bruce knew, I didn't want to alarm anyone. Surprisingly I managed to keep my anxiety pretty much in check, but still a very stressful few days. But today, one day after the scan, the rads doc comes in to check my measurements while I'm lying on the rads table and says "And oh, your brain scan was normal." Sweeter words have never been spoken! Well, at least not recently! Such a relief. But I'm on the danged rads table being measured and filmed and can't move to celebrate. But I did manage a smile and a happy tear or two! Others might have thought he was a little abrupt but I was happy that he cut to the chase and just threw it out there...no big preamble. So yayyyyy! My brain is NORMAL!!! I am just a headache-prone and dizzy chick with poor balance and crappy memory. Yay for me! I'll take it :)
Last week when I saw the rads doc for the consultation, I filled out new paperwork yet again. Angina? No. Diabetes? No. High Blood Pressure? No. And so the list goes on. No, no, no, just this f'ing cancer. I get to the neuro section and I did check dizziness because post-surgery I was having some dizziness and figured I better mark it. By the second week it had already improved but being the good, honest patient that I am, I checked it. Of course all my life I've gotten dizzy sometimes when I get up too fast...runs in my family, but this was that, plus a little more. Two new meds and not eating probably played a role also.
Anyway, the rads doc saw that and it sent up a red flag for him. Since I was having some dizziness, and the cancer managed to spread to my spine while I was on chemo, he wanted a brain scan. What???? He reassured me he didn't think anything was going on, but we needed to check to just make sure all was well. The PET scan only shows eyes to knees. Well my history with scans these last few months has totally sucked so I was not at all excited about a friggin' brain scan. But he consulted with my oncologist and he agreed I should get one done. So they scheduled it for the following Tuesday, which was yesterday. Only Bruce knew, I didn't want to alarm anyone. Surprisingly I managed to keep my anxiety pretty much in check, but still a very stressful few days. But today, one day after the scan, the rads doc comes in to check my measurements while I'm lying on the rads table and says "And oh, your brain scan was normal." Sweeter words have never been spoken! Well, at least not recently! Such a relief. But I'm on the danged rads table being measured and filmed and can't move to celebrate. But I did manage a smile and a happy tear or two! Others might have thought he was a little abrupt but I was happy that he cut to the chase and just threw it out there...no big preamble. So yayyyyy! My brain is NORMAL!!! I am just a headache-prone and dizzy chick with poor balance and crappy memory. Yay for me! I'll take it :)
Sunday, June 3, 2012
On the eve of radiation
So it's Sunday, and tomorrow I start radiation. I am excited to get going even though tomorrow will just be the spot on my spine. Amazing that they can do 10 zaps on that and it'll be gone. They want to zap the lymph nodes around my left breast too, but I have to get my arm up over my head for them to be able to do that. My first visit with them was last Wednesday, and I couldn't get my arm anywhere near over my head! So I've been stretching like a fiend. Probably too much those first couple of days so I've backed off a little. I can see progress, but I'm not sure I can get it over my head and as open as they want to see by tomorrow. That was my plan, but we'll see. If not, I'll keep working it and I plan to get into PT this week so that should help. As soon as I can get it up there without feeling like I'm being torn limb from limb, they'll start the rads up there too. After radiation, I'll get scanned again and we'll see how I am doing and what's next. Hopefully it will be clean and all we'll have to do is finish up the liver and I'll be good to go again!
In the meantime, I've just been trying to be more active and get out of the house more. When I sit around the house too much, even tho it's good for resting and all, I tend to get a little blue (ok sometimes a lot blue) so it's better for me to get out, have somewhere to go, etc., even though it tires me out and makes me sore! Sometimes I get grumpy and think to myself "This is not the way I planned to spend my summer!" Or even worse, "Look at all these healthy people without a care in the world!" Now I know that's not true, not fair, and horribly selfish of me and I quickly wish them all good health and blessings to counteract my crabbiness. I know everyone has their issues, but sometimes it does feel like I'm from a different planet but no one knows because on the outside I look just like them. Plus, gosh darn it, I had things to do this summer! Our annual trek to Breckenridge for the 4th of July, races to run, kayaking to enjoy, and just kicking back and relaxing. But I have to remind myself, every day, and often every hour, that no one knows what's in store for them. You read about people dying in car accidents or just recently here in Denver a police officer was hit and killed by a drunk driver while he was performing a traffic stop. Awful, just awful. There is no guarantee for any of us. In some ways, that is a freeing thought because it reminds us to be in the moment, enjoy the breeze, enjoy the noise, and enjoy the things that normally we would take for granted or even be annoyed by. So take a minute to enjoy where you are, right now, at this very minute that you are reading this. Close your eyes and drink it in.
And as for Breckenridge? So we'll go later for a longer visit when I am done with radiation. Races and kayaking? I'll get there, just maybe not this summer. Kicking back and relaxing? Not sure I'll ever really get there again but I plan to get much closer!! But in the meantime, I have lots of time to spend with family and friends over the next few weeks while I am doing radiation and plan to take advantage of it! I'll do my radiation in the morning, then have time to meet friends for coffee, go to the zoo, hit some museums, build up my stamina with some short hikes with friends, go to the movies, hang out with my daughter, and spend time with my husband, and the list goes on! I've always dreamed of writing a children's book and now would be the perfect time to work on that. Every day is a gift, whether you have cancer or not, so open it up and enjoy it! No use worrying about what is next until next becomes now. I need to get that tattooed on my forehead. :)
Much love to you all. My family and friends are my strength through all this so don't ever underestimate the power of your support!
In the meantime, I've just been trying to be more active and get out of the house more. When I sit around the house too much, even tho it's good for resting and all, I tend to get a little blue (ok sometimes a lot blue) so it's better for me to get out, have somewhere to go, etc., even though it tires me out and makes me sore! Sometimes I get grumpy and think to myself "This is not the way I planned to spend my summer!" Or even worse, "Look at all these healthy people without a care in the world!" Now I know that's not true, not fair, and horribly selfish of me and I quickly wish them all good health and blessings to counteract my crabbiness. I know everyone has their issues, but sometimes it does feel like I'm from a different planet but no one knows because on the outside I look just like them. Plus, gosh darn it, I had things to do this summer! Our annual trek to Breckenridge for the 4th of July, races to run, kayaking to enjoy, and just kicking back and relaxing. But I have to remind myself, every day, and often every hour, that no one knows what's in store for them. You read about people dying in car accidents or just recently here in Denver a police officer was hit and killed by a drunk driver while he was performing a traffic stop. Awful, just awful. There is no guarantee for any of us. In some ways, that is a freeing thought because it reminds us to be in the moment, enjoy the breeze, enjoy the noise, and enjoy the things that normally we would take for granted or even be annoyed by. So take a minute to enjoy where you are, right now, at this very minute that you are reading this. Close your eyes and drink it in.
And as for Breckenridge? So we'll go later for a longer visit when I am done with radiation. Races and kayaking? I'll get there, just maybe not this summer. Kicking back and relaxing? Not sure I'll ever really get there again but I plan to get much closer!! But in the meantime, I have lots of time to spend with family and friends over the next few weeks while I am doing radiation and plan to take advantage of it! I'll do my radiation in the morning, then have time to meet friends for coffee, go to the zoo, hit some museums, build up my stamina with some short hikes with friends, go to the movies, hang out with my daughter, and spend time with my husband, and the list goes on! I've always dreamed of writing a children's book and now would be the perfect time to work on that. Every day is a gift, whether you have cancer or not, so open it up and enjoy it! No use worrying about what is next until next becomes now. I need to get that tattooed on my forehead. :)
Much love to you all. My family and friends are my strength through all this so don't ever underestimate the power of your support!
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