Wow...it's been over 2 months since I last blogged. Sorry about that! Nothing good nor bad about it, just didn't do it. I have to admit though that when I am feeling bad I don't want to blog and when I am feeling good I don't like to dwell on having cancer, again. So that's my excuse.
I'm not quite sure how to catch up. My tolerance for the chemo has varied. I can usually always count on a lousy Saturday and Sunday following an infusion (always on a Thursday) but some rounds went better, and some were way worse. The last part of Round 4 was a bitch. It hit me right away and lasted 4 days. In hindsight maybe I had a bug along with it. But this first part of Round 5 hasn't been too bad. Although, let me clarify that...because sometimes I think when I say it's not too bad, people think, well, that it's not too bad and that I feel ok. My frame of reference has changed. I haven't felt "ok" on the old scale in months except for a few bright spots here and there. We've never quite banished the nausea, and I'm just tired and wiped out a lot. My endurance is poor and I get tired. I think I do generally ok and am pretty functional most of the time, it just takes more effort and more downtime to recoup. I'm not sure what ok on my new scale is compared to my old scale...but it's like a good day for me is feeling 80% of how I used to feel. Sometimes 90%. Now when I was on the beach last week I would up that to 100%! We took a short trip to Capitola California, about midway between Monterey and San Francisco, and it was a wonderful trip. You can't deny the restorative properties of the ocean!
As for my treatment, it's hard to say. Around Round 3 we were looking at my cancer markers. Keep in mind these cancer markers didn't even detect I had cancer til my first day of chemo. But looking back, it looks like one marker was starting to creep up last spring. I was being checked every 6 months and everything was honky-dory but in April of last year, it started to creep up a smidge. Then, another little smidge up in October at my next follow up. But still well within the normal range and even at the low end. Then even in January when I went in on my own saying something is WRONG and everyone agreed, it was still in the freakin' normal range. Only on my first day of chemo did that marker finally step over into the bad range. The other marker they use didn't show a thing. So, the doc decided we'd try this other marker, a circulating assay test, that was supposed to be more sensitive to recurrence. So we did that at the start of chemo after all my tests and guess what...it said I have 0 cancer. Um riiiight, and pigs can fly. Apparently this marker is more sensitive but only works for 70% of the people. Clearly it did not work for me. So I have one of three markers that sort of works for me. The doctor has been tracking that and it was going down, then up, then whatever and basically we've reached the end of the line for chemo. I was scheduled for 6 rounds, but he said all along that if I started to plateau we'd skip the rest and move to surgery. So that's where I am at now. I'll finish round 5 on Thursday, then a round of new tests the week of May 7 (MRI, PET Scan, Plastic surgery consult) and meet with the oncologist on May 10 to go over the results. Surgery will most likely be mid-May instead of June. While I am relieved to be almost done with chemo, I wish it had done more. It's hard not to feel a little disappointed and worried that I have "plateaued." I also dread the testing. Well, I dread the anxiety of waiting for results and the potential for it not to be good news. What if nothing has changed? What if it's worse or has spread more? It's hard not to think about stuff like this. And I worry about the markers...so let's say I get through all this...how am I monitored in the future if the markers aren't effective for me? So many questions. But I have a new mantra. Someone posted it on Facebook (see there is value to Facebook) and it's something about if you worry about something before it happens you are living it twice, and it's enough just to live it once if it actually happens. It was said much more eloquently than that, but chemo brain has taken hold and my memory sucks. But I like the sentiment. Why live something awful twice? It is what it is (another favorite mantra) and if it's bad, why waste time now living it by letting it consume my thoughts and rev up my anxiety? Not that it's easy, but it's important that I do.
Lastly, I just need to thank everyone. I saw that this blog has been read 807 times. Holy cow! I don't think I even know 807 people!! And that's nothing compared to all the kind words, hugs, cards, emails, prayers, and support I get everyday from those near and far. I will never be able to put into words how much you all mean to me and how humbled I am by your kindness. Please know that your words and gestures and support mean so much and I think have been a great boost to my recovery!
Well I think that's all for now and I promise to be a better blogger!
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