Surgery

Hello again. I've been out of commission the past few days but wanted to let you know how surgery went. It's kind of hard to put into words and I'm not sure I've sorted out all the emotions myself. But this past week has probably been one of the worst, if not the worst of my life. Having lost both my parents, I know what pain feels like and I would have said those were the worst weeks of my life. But this has been a very different pain. From hearing the news of my treatment not going as well as expected, to finding a new spot, to just a few days later having a major surgery has been overwhelming. Don't get me wrong, I've wanted these off since January, but the actual reality of having a body part or parts removed is very challenging to the psyche, especially when you know it's not the feather in the cap of treatment. If this was it, and I knew the cancer was gone like I did with the lumpectomy I'd be dancing in the street! So a whirlwind of emotions combined with not eating made last week a very rough week. But I am trying to rise to the occasion with alternative adjunctive treatments and ways of thinking.

But back to my actual surgery, it all went very well. Even a little faster than they thought. I have various things now dangling from my body which is strange, but I'm already pretty used to it. I have a pain pump, more like a pressurized ball, in a little pouch I keep with me all the time that's connected to some tubing that goes into each breast, well, where there was a breast. Over the course of 2-3 days, it releases pain medication all on it's own so that's pretty cool. Then one each side, I have a drain to draw away the fluid from the chest area that builds up after surgery. These are kind of gross and hang from my sides like little squeezey grenades. I have to empty them every few hours and track how much I'm draining. When I get down to a certain amount in a 24 hour period, the doc will take them out. Takes 10 days to 3 weeks generally so we'll see. They're kind of obnoxious, and I guess when I get my energy up and go out somewhere I can pin them under my clothes so the world doesn't have to see. I'm pretty gross in general right now....no shower in 3 days! They want to take the pain pump out first. Even still, I'm not in a big rush to take the compression bra off and really see what's going on in there. The breasts feel like they are still there, but clearly they are not.

Staying overnight in the hospital is mandatory for this, and I had to stay an extra day because I had a fever and a wonky white blood cell count. They took a chest xray and urinalysis prior to surgery looking for infection, but didn't find anything. My WBC was super high, which usually means a big infection but I had a shot of Neulasta a few days before because it was low, so they decided it had just done it's job really well and over-pumped me with white blood cells. That count came down, but the fever persisted and got a little higher. So they kept me another night, gave me intravenous antibiotics and early Saturday morning it came down to 98 and stayed there so they sent me home. I think my body just reacts to surgery like that, I always get a temp after. But better safe than sorry and it/s a REALLY nice hospital, like a resort, so I didn't mind the extra night. But I was ready to come home too. It's hard to sleep in those places between them checking your vitals, hanging your antibiotic, drawing blood, etc all night!

It's hard not to think about what's next and that's been the most emotional for me. I broke down before the surgery while being prepped and I think everyone thought it was nerves before the surgery. It wasn't. Maybe a little but I just couldn't believe where I was, what was happening, and what was going to happen next. Finally they let Bruce come back to the prep area and holding his hand gave me strength. We see the oncologist tomorrow for the new plan so I am eager to hear what he says and eager to present what I would like to see happen too. I am working on attacking this from all sides and as aggressively as possible. I am so grateful for all the support I have been getting for some of the new things I am trying. It would be easy to laugh and think she's crazy, but everyone has been very positive and supportive of whatever I do. Near and far, friends and family are creating their own positive imagery of my battle and I think that is huge.  All hands on deck to fight off this beast!

The last thing I want to say was while I was in the hospital, I allowed myself to be taken care of, completely. I did what I wanted, when I wanted to. And having people stop by to visit, bring treats or flowers, deliver flowers to my back yard, offer to stay overnight, and send me messages online was a salve to my wounds, physically and emotionally and for that I am forever grateful. I didn't take my computer to the hospital, so got the messages and posts when I got home but to hear and feel all the love that was out there for my during my surgery was very moving to me.

So for tomorrow, send your faith to my doctor and believe like I do that whatever comes next is going to work and kick this crap to the curb.